Getting Old, And How…

My 49th birthday is tomorrow, and my 30th high school reunion is next month. I would have to say that age creeped up on me… and smacked me in the face. I have not really been bothered by one birthday or another yet… Maybe 30 was a little rough. At that point in my life, I had not really done much of anything, and was feeling rather down about myself. I don’t think it was really the age I was turning that was getting to me then, but me getting to me. This year however, I can not say that age isn’t effecting my state of mind. Granted there are other things going on at the moment also.. Such as I am in a lot of pain 24 hours a day. Also, my husband and I have gone through a lot of losses, both material, and personal over the past few years. In fact where we are living now is a result of our biggest financial loss, our home.

I dont like to be a complainer, a whiner, etc.. But doesn’t it just seem like life puts way more on your plate to deal with than is fair? I know, life isn’t fair. No one ever said it was going to be… I dont even think it is, or ever will be, but something has to give. What that something is, I have no idea, but something, sometime soon just has too.

So, I am going to be 49 tomorrow. 49! I dont think it would be getting to me like this if we were not struggling to pinch ever penny just to get by. I mean, the way the economy is now, we can barely afford to get groceries each week. We are not spending excessive money on anything. We don’t go on vacations. We don’t eat out all the time. We don’t buy luxuries. Heck, we don’t even go to the movies, or even rent movies anymore. We pay our bills. We don’t have credit cards, or anything fancy. We have car payments, rent, utilities, insurance… We have noting more than the normal cost of living, monthly expenses. That is all. In fact, my husband has a weeks paid vacation coming up the entire first week of August. We can’t even afford to vacation. We are camping in the rather large, wooded yard of a friend of his. That is our vacation.

I am turning 49 tomorrow. We are not going out to celebrate. We are staying home, and cooking a steak on the grill. It is going to be a very good cut of meat. That is why it is only a steak, and not plural. We can only afford one steak, and split it, with ample side items. That is how I am going to celebrate my last year of my forties beginning. I never dreamed years ago, that this is how life would be when I was nearly fifty. I can only imagine how it will be in a year at the rate things are going. I have to wonder though, would it feel so blah, and life so darn hard as each year passes, if we were in that very small group of our population, that doesn’t have to worry about paying rent that month, or even eating? That can go to a movie, a nice restaurant? Or if we could take a vacation, just one, not even a whole week… to get away from the stresses of daily life, see another country, or state, even another city? I have to wonder if life might be just a little easier, maybe the sun seem a bit brighter, mood a tad lighter, if aging didn’t have to coincide with the strains and struggle of doing without… not to get ahead, or save, but simply to survive??? No, I sure didn’t picture myself in this place.. but I am grateful to at least have a place. Some don’t even have that.

So, I have done my complaining. Tomorrow I will turn 49. I will be grateful for a home, even if renting again, food to eat, a husband who loves me, and two grown children that will call to say happy birthday to their mom. And two dogs and a cat who will be hoping that they might have a taste of steak… Which I will save for each, off my plate, because what makes this life bearable beyond its struggles, is sharing it with those I love…

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