First off I wanna clear up for any ‘ultra’ religious folks reading this, and possible preconceived notions about the post title… AAAHHHMM-UUMMMMM!
I am not one of you.
I realize I took a well-known part of John 1:1, and this is the only acknowledgement I’m going to give the bible. Which before I have other believers of anything, believing I would do any different for any other religion, philosophical, mythic, mystic, or deity’s , lord’s, prophet’s, and non-believers proclaimed, ‘only TRUTH,’ if I were to web publish it in such a NON-substantiating use. I do declare now my personal TRUTH… I don’t know what I don’t know. I do know what I do know. I know that ALL those words mean something to me, and HOW they mean something, and WHY they mean something. Each of those words has affected, and effected me. And that’s all I’m going to say about that at this moment in time. Perhaps another post.
So if sensibilities are on the delicate, RIGHT side,”spoiler alert,” this post will affect you, and more than likely effect your opinion of me, if indeed you thought my beliefs were in the LITERAL, christian creator, or yes, if we must say it- God. Yet, if anyone is curious, read on… maybe stay awhile, or come back again. My journey was nothing, if not good drama! Take that TNT.. LMAO. (Mom, if your reading this, that means laughing my ass off.)
The word is in the beginning of everything ever created.. the words of our thoughts. Who knows maybe John thought so too? Psychological textbooks, and many APA journal articles have taught me, that the cognitive-behavioral model in the science of Psychological is based around that core fact. Basically it goes something like… if we change our thinking, our thoughts, than our actions will change in line with our new ways of thinking. It’s a repetitive thing. Alcoholics Anonymous owes its success, in part the cognitive and behavioral approach, I think. And words, or thoughts rather, ultimately changed me. I most certainly have very little in common with the insecure, naive, yes even self-destructive young woman I was 30 years ago.
Because chemicals in my brain were not balanced correctly, my emotions were unbalanced, and beyond extreme. Without logical processing, they ruled my every thought, desire, and sometimes devastatingly, my every action. Mental Health was just getting its legs back then. And I had a few doctors that loved to tranquilize me as an adolescent. I guess it made things quieter around the homestead.. I do not think that was the help my mom had in mind, however. I really didn’t get diagnosed until I was 23. They key here is, I got diagnosed. I realized a problem. I sought to solve it. And as is common, when reaching, and hitting home on core issues, the situation escalated. Came the eve of my one and only bout of a police escort to the hospital psych ward. I say that proudly. Not because I am proud of IT, but because police locking up mentally ill people is WAY too common today. I only had the pleasure once. I know I am going to piss some folks off, but what the heck, seem to be on a roll.. Rather than laws to better regulate gun control, and finally make the needed, tough decisions, our society opts for policing an ill, and already demoralized, and demonized populous of people. I should elaborate, that has been the route of the right.
Shining in blue and red.. my escorted psychosis. The beginning of a better way was at hand, if I wanted it to be. I was ready. Before it became too late. My words, then my razor, and lastly an overdose nearly destroyed my life once, twice, almost 3 times… My words have torn down others, and myself, I admit it. Until those same words spoke truth into me, and out of me, and became the pathway to save my life. I changed my thoughts, and am changing them still, as I go, as I learn, introspect, analyze. The outcome is a change of mind, or change of heart if you prefer. The point is, I am an ever evolving work- a creation in progress..
and it is good.