Into The Darkness

Hum…. Where to begin? Today is just an all around rough one for me, having chronic pain, and seasonal depression. This  would be typical for most days in the winter months, so, why complain? Well, the main reason… We have had so many uncharacteristically warm days for the season, that when the freezing temps hit, they seemed worse than usual. I don’t know that this is the only reason, but it is one of them. Another reason is that I really want to keep up on this blog, but pain causes sleep problems, and the lack of sleep with the pain, causes mood issues… BLAH!

I hate to be that woman, the one that whines all the time about everything. Somewhere upon my journey, that is what I became, at least during the late fall, and winter months. Do you ever not like yourself very much? I am not liking me at all today. Once I get in this frame of mind, it tends to taint every other thing that I am thinking. Before long, I am just one big hot-mess of negative thinking. And when I try to change this stinking thinking, all I end up doing is causing myself to feel like a big, fat, failure. Well, once that starts going on, than it is not far off from the point where I am overwhelmed with guilt for all the family and friends I am letting down. It is a vicious cycle every year.

Someone once said to me, ” did you ever think that you make all this recurring depression, because you continually say it will return each year this time?” I let that eat me up all last year. Sure there is always that possibility. I would ask though, how do you make plans for this issues ramifications, if not forewarning others, and mentally preparing myself? Some have made blanket statements, that imply that if somebody is this way, well than, you must certainly be seeking attention. Let me say, that is so off the mark where I am concerned, I always have to laugh. I can not stand to have to talk to people when I am like this. I hate to be seen like this. I wish I could hide it from the world some days. I wish not to be writing a blog entry when in this state, but I promised myself I would try to keep going, as best I could. I have also been told, ” you never know who you could help by blogging about your life.” 


I don’t necessarily think that I can, or do help anyone by keeping this blog going. If there is even the remotest chance that I can reach someone in a moment of need, make a difference in some way… It truly would be worth any amount of effort I put forth, or further stress it causes to continue. I have been alone, and so in need of someone, anyone to help me. I was in that position for more years than I care to  admit, lost, and longing for understanding. If I am honest- and that is what this whole blog is about. Being honest with oneself is the key, the starting point of changing oneself. So, if I am honest, I would tell you that I am a work in progress. I would also tell you, that this work is progressing quite well. However, I would also have to tell you, that some days I wonder if I will make it any farther than I already have. Some days… it would be easy to give in to the thoughts spinning in my head. Some days, it just seems harder than I have the strength to deal with anymore. And it is on those days I doubt myself, and anything that I have done, or am trying to accomplish. On those days, I curl away in a dimly lit room, alone. And notebook in hand, I cry out to a blank page, the words of my pain, of my sorrow.  I strive to leave behind from each trip into the darkness something poetic, something of beauty.. Something that can tangibly prove to a twisted mind, that there was at least some small reason for the torment… 

If you, in finding me here, find something of your own story, your own struggle. Leave a word or two… Maybe then we can know, we are not alone.


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