I Do’s and I Won’t

I Do’s and I Won’t

It’s not that I don’t feel it all.

It is simply not that way.

Its just to big to let it all out, least I blow you away.

Give time, to think the feeling through

I promise to give you my truth.

e.a.b.

My daughter got married over they weekend. Besides having my children, this was by far one of the top, most amazing moments in my life. It was also a huge exercise of what I call like to call, “put on the apathy shield.” Having Bipolar disorder, in situations that already pull on the emotions, for lack of a better explanation that doesn’t sound like a text book, I will simply say- all my feelers were out like peeked antennas. I had to not allow any prick, or poke, or out right jab inside, to affect the oversensitive  condition of me, in that moment. I swore to myself I would not allow me to respond to my feelings on this special day for my daughter. It was their day ONLY.

A shield of apathy allows me to separate from the ’emoting over’ in a given situation. Those with the condition of Bipolar very often make things all about them. When your brain is whizzing in a high charge situation like that, how can you not listen to it… ? Don’t. Make that deal. (and take the medication, and go to therapy, blah, blah) That day was my daughters day. I refused to make it about me. I am not saying that something that was said,  or something not said, or the way someone treated me, or didn’t treat me  just went unnoticed. Hell to the no, as the kids say. Every action, reaction, word, deed, done, or not done… the whole thing recorded in my hard as hell head. I just chose to ignore what my mind was saying. Turned it off. Smiled. And when pain of the physical variety, lack of sleep, and the jar stuffed to capacity so to speak, had all reached critical mass… My husband and I went to say our good-nights. I kissed my daughter on the cheek, and hugged her, the same for my son-in-law, and said I loved them. I walked to our car, slightly hunched rubbing my back, a tremor beginning to develop deep inside of me, eyes down, away from the sting of the cold in the air… As he drove, I let the tears fall. For what? Oh, for everything, just… everything. And let everything go. It was cathartic. 

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