The Lost

words

drizzling from lips

tongue spun tales

of this great self

accomplished knowledge

pouring forth

at the wrinkled face

silenced

and bent of time

the wisdom

burdened sage

knods understanding

the pause unquieted

nothing has been gained

the gifted nugget

not held

not to be found

in words still spilling always

lost

for want of grasping

 

-Elyse Bontrager

 

For LInda

I remember your visits

when I was young

from the land of make believe

west coast

I idolized you so

pre-teen, to your teens

my older cousin

Linda.

Friendship did not find us

until the mid, more settled time

in our lives

 

You finishing trucking school

moved in, down south

and I, married to a long hair

came twice yearly, for nascar

and reminiscing

and

christmas cards

late night talks

from somewhere, on winding road

i do miss that

I’ll miss that

i miss you

 

I knew you would drift from this world

pass away

without me around

i would never have been ready

you knew that

And in caring for you

i knew your pain

and long you suffered

and now your spirit is free

Linda, my family

my friend

through these tears

I’ll yet you go

until our spirits are togeher

someday

again…

 

cc Elyse Bontager

 

~ For my dear friend, and cousin, who passed away after a long illness, Monday, December 4, 2017 ~

 

The Darkness

 

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My brother Billy passed away this month…
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and my great niece the month before.

This is the reality my family, and I have been coping with since my brothers unexpected death, the first week of November. And if this was not enough to plummet me into the worst depression I’ve experienced in years, then all the intruding harassment’s that have cost me all my photo memories, videos, music, and account access on Facebook, Google, Ymail, and Outlook, even my phone, and it’s number, which I’ve had for 18 years, surely is the cause and reason behind this desire to give up on all I care about, and have tried so hard to change in this world. I will never understand why anyone would wish to cause me such harm, and worry my family at a time when they have been already hurting so much. But this is the reality of the darkness that has overcome us. And I know not how to remedy all the destruction it has reigned down upon us.

We have replaced our phones, and their numbers. I have tried all I can to recover our accounts I’ve held for years, even the now useless chromebooks they have been frozen out of, to no avail. Tears are all I’ve left to give ..: Maybe someday I will find it in me to once again make a stand. But I feel now, as if the only difference I’ve made at all, is in compromising my family’s safety and peace of mind. I hope, that whoever and where ever you are, having thought it nessesary to attack me so, find your way back to the light. I forgive you. For my own heart and spirit,  I have no other choice but to forgive. You’ve wounded me more than you could know… but maybe that was your intent all along. That is not for me to know. All I do know, is in this moment of great pain and loss, my tears aren’t just for my family, or myself … the are shed for the future I can no longer help to save, and for you- those who’ve rendered me silent, to any who have followed me all these months since standing rock. I am heartbroken. And there is no escape from this betrayal … only qeastions, without answers, and loss without reason, and pain, without end. Consider yourselves accomplished. Leave me here. There is nothing else left to take from me. You have taken all.