The Darkness


My brother Billy passed away this month…
and my great niece the month before.

This is the reality my family, and I have been coping with since my brothers unexpected death, the first week of November. And if this was not enough to plummet me into the worst depression I’ve experienced in years, then all the intruding harassment’s that have cost me all my photo memories, videos, music, and account access on Facebook, Google, Ymail, and Outlook, even my phone, and it’s number, which I’ve had for 18 years, surely is the cause and reason behind this desire to give up on all I care about, and have tried so hard to change in this world. I will never understand why anyone would wish to cause me such harm, and worry my family at a time when they have been already hurting so much. But this is the reality of the darkness that has overcome us. And I know not how to remedy all the destruction it has reigned down upon us.

We have replaced our phones, and their numbers. I have tried all I can to recover our accounts I’ve held for years, even the now useless chromebooks they have been frozen out of, to no avail. Tears are all I’ve left to give ..: Maybe someday I will find it in me to once again make a stand. But I feel now, as if the only difference I’ve made at all, is in compromising my family’s safety and peace of mind. I hope, that whoever and where ever you are, having thought it nessesary to attack me so, find your way back to the light. I forgive you. For my own heart and spirit,  I have no other choice but to forgive. You’ve wounded me more than you could know… but maybe that was your intent all along. That is not for me to know. All I do know, is in this moment of great pain and loss, my tears aren’t just for my family, or myself … the are shed for the future I can no longer help to save, and for you- those who’ve rendered me silent, to any who have followed me all these months since standing rock. I am heartbroken. And there is no escape from this betrayal … only qeastions, without answers, and loss without reason, and pain, without end. Consider yourselves accomplished. Leave me here. There is nothing else left to take from me. You have taken all.


Untangling The Web

   It is nearly 4:00 am; I still can’t sleep. I decided to fill the tub, and crank up the jets. The pain of bones, and body… Its getting to me tonight. And my mind, it has not stopped processing, since returning home from Flint.

   Mind, it plays over moments, conversations, actions of self, others,… Oh what a tangled web we can weave. And winters cauldron, commences to stirring. Let it unravel, splinters, shards, blessings, betrayals… Fall where you may. One doesn’t have to like truth, but still, must embrace. Pristine the fact- truth, the necessity of survival.

   Fact is, friendship, is a far more weighty thing, than knowing of, or having known of someone. To bind in relationship with one, as friend, is committing to add them to your priorities, should need arise. Offering a modicum of thought, or concern to their travails, or success. And to know what meanings these things hold, for your friend. You are not just acquaintance; caring, perhaps, for curiosities sake, manipulative gains…? These things do not encompass the bonding of friend. Friendship holds level, of closeness with depth, but only one bond is that of friend.

   Thinking back over the months; I find it all so interesting. Looking in, now the static observer. And seeing deeply, what consciously, mind let fall to the side in its focusing. Every picturing tells a story. And spirit speaks to me. Oftentimes, looking back, one can see more clearly. Hence the adage. Hindsight is 20/20. And I, type, type, typing in the present moment, laugh. Looking through bifocals, to make clear each word. Yes, looking back, one sees many things.

   and spirit speaks to me…

   No. I cannot allow ego this moment of indulgence. Gratify self, feeling its reward. At expense to all that is other? That is not love. Love honors the spirit that is, and is in ALL living beings. I see- what was. And now, I see what is. It won´t change a thing, nor me. I will speak of, nor to anyone, differently. For that is not of love. That is not me. I WILL be the change, the intent of my being. Learn the lessons in the pain. Grow by those lessons. Give the lessons away. And when a moment meets me, again on this journey, (circles go round that way,) I´ll know a thing, or word, the way. Being in situations reminiscent, again, the change. Circles do go round that way.

Everything, if one looks, deeply, IS connected…

   and spirit spoke to me.

Re-Learning Home



twisting. Up

against the wall.


the storm.

Welcomed escape.

Momentarily sheltering,

this fog.

Heavy as hell.


For peace sake-

I swallow words,

so many

many words.

Crammed full.

For need

aching bottomless.

Must re-learn.


Walking through,


seeking familiar.


of another time.

Squeeze myself


The significantly less

version,  myself

struggle without

Comfort, now

I remember.



cc Elyse Bontrager