Untangling The Web

   It is nearly 4:00 am; I still can’t sleep. I decided to fill the tub, and crank up the jets. The pain of bones, and body… Its getting to me tonight. And my mind, it has not stopped processing, since returning home from Flint.

   Mind, it plays over moments, conversations, actions of self, others,… Oh what a tangled web we can weave. And winters cauldron, commences to stirring. Let it unravel, splinters, shards, blessings, betrayals… Fall where you may. One doesn’t have to like truth, but still, must embrace. Pristine the fact- truth, the necessity of survival.

   Fact is, friendship, is a far more weighty thing, than knowing of, or having known of someone. To bind in relationship with one, as friend, is committing to add them to your priorities, should need arise. Offering a modicum of thought, or concern to their travails, or success. And to know what meanings these things hold, for your friend. You are not just acquaintance; caring, perhaps, for curiosities sake, manipulative gains…? These things do not encompass the bonding of friend. Friendship holds level, of closeness with depth, but only one bond is that of friend.

   Thinking back over the months; I find it all so interesting. Looking in, now the static observer. And seeing deeply, what consciously, mind let fall to the side in its focusing. Every picturing tells a story. And spirit speaks to me. Oftentimes, looking back, one can see more clearly. Hence the adage. Hindsight is 20/20. And I, type, type, typing in the present moment, laugh. Looking through bifocals, to make clear each word. Yes, looking back, one sees many things.

   and spirit speaks to me…

   No. I cannot allow ego this moment of indulgence. Gratify self, feeling its reward. At expense to all that is other? That is not love. Love honors the spirit that is, and is in ALL living beings. I see- what was. And now, I see what is. It won´t change a thing, nor me. I will speak of, nor to anyone, differently. For that is not of love. That is not me. I WILL be the change, the intent of my being. Learn the lessons in the pain. Grow by those lessons. Give the lessons away. And when a moment meets me, again on this journey, (circles go round that way,) I´ll know a thing, or word, the way. Being in situations reminiscent, again, the change. Circles do go round that way.

Everything, if one looks, deeply, IS connected…

   and spirit spoke to me.


‘You don’t know the half of it…”

…That is what I told the ER nurse that afternoon in my hometown of Elkhart, Indiana, on the fifth day after calling my pain management doctor, for that month’s refill prescription. The same RX that he cut dosage in half on the month prior, without even mentioning it to me. The same RX, that I would send my 80-something parents to retrieve, for I would be in the throes of a withdrawal so intense, I averaged a blood pressure of 247/169 , with a resting pulse in the 90’s, for the better part of a week. The same RX that I was determined to eliminate from my system, with the aid of an ER prescribed vaso-dilating medication… that for all it’s dilating, my body would retain water to clamp the veins shut again. The same RX, that up until a new state forced law cut 60 pills a month from, and then Dr. Grewal’s unmentioned half drop in dosage. I had taken the same amount since my first spinal surgery in 2007. The same RX that I had reported having increasing breakthrough pain between doses for over a year, the same med that was only giving relief for 40-50 minutes of the 6 hour interval, along with the many statements at appointments that I was not ready to increase amount of dosage at the time. The same RX that had an origin date TWO DAYS PRIOR to my coming into the doctor to retrieve the written prescription, being told, on that FIFTH day,

a Friday,

I had to wait until Monday.

I left, and drove to the emergency room.

Because I had gone through the beginnings of withdrawal prior to ths occassion, since being referred to Dr. Grewal by my surgeon. I knew I had no choice, but to once again go wait at the ER for a blood pressure medication called Clonidine. Unfortunately, It did not give the same results as in the past. As I realize now, my body had been going through withdrawal, due to tolerance for many months. The breakthrough pain is indicative of tolerance to dosage. These other symptoms I easily attributed to allergies, age, and its accompanying aches, as well as digestive issues. Even the severity of the hot flashes, I blamed on a post menopausal curse some woman keep. All the above however, have a direct correlation to BAD medicine, and Medical practice! The fact is, this was not my first, second, or even third experience being put through withdrawal… This was the forth time ‘something,’ from the point of my call requesting a monthly refill, and arriving at the doctors office 5 days later, that I was told they had no RX. On this 4th occasion however, after following all procedures, jumping through all the ever changing hoops, and yet another oversight, or mistake, the new receptionist proceeded to tell me I was to blame. After showing her my phone’s call log from 5 days ago, to no avail; I realized, explaining how  withdrawal symptoms had already begun, at this point, would be mute.

I wouldn’t advise anyone to stop cold turkey any medication that your body has learned to depend on. It can be very harmful, even fatal, if not under medical care and observation. After I calmed from the anger of what I had been made to suffer, again- I saw the wisdom in what others were saying, and decided to obtain a titration schedule for dosage, which would help in easing the noxious medication from my system, lessening the adverse effects. After several calls to Dr. Grewal’s office by parents, husband, myself, and another doctor I am in the care of… several days after obtaining the medication I needed, I was finally called and told how to lower dosage, with the minimal effects of something like a flu virus.

My family is concerned that the level of my pain will keep me from having much of a life, always hurting.. I worry about that too. But I worry more that the ludicrous way our state is attempting to solve its addict problem, will only continue to cause undue suffering for ligament patients, doing little to nothing to change anything for the better. I know it has been a nightmare in my world for years now. I worry that good doctors in the pain management field will leave this state, if they have not all gone already. I worry that other troubles may come, as only one remedy can ease the hurt in my spine, as Pain Management and its pills and practices, I will never return to…  The CBD’s and THC occurring naturally in marijuana. One good thing- I know that legalizing weed could put a huge dent into state addict issues, and eliminate the god awful experience of withdrawal from an opiod pain killer. I’ve never experienced anything as exhausting, painful, demeaning, humiliating, or hopeless as how a person is summed up, and treated, or simply ignored, being a pain management patient. …”But you only know the half of it…” It is so much worse than I could ever explain.

Into The Darkness

This about sums up the state of things. ♡

'Ms Elyse'

Hum…. Where to begin? Today is just an all around rough one for me, having chronic pain, and seasonal depression. This  would be typical for most days in the winter months, so, why complain? Well, the main reason… We have had so many uncharacteristically warm days for the season, that when the freezing temps hit, they seemed worse than usual. I don’t know that this is the only reason, but it is one of them. Another reason is that I really want to keep up on this blog, but pain causes sleep problems, and the lack of sleep with the pain, causes mood issues… BLAH!

I hate to be that woman, the one that whines all the time about everything. Somewhere upon my journey, that is what I became, at least during the late fall, and winter months. Do you ever not like yourself very much? I am not liking me at all today. Once I…

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