For LInda

I remember your visits

when I was young

from the land of make believe

west coast

I idolized you so

pre-teen, to your teens

my older cousin

Linda.

Friendship did not find us

until the mid, more settled time

in our lives

 

You finishing trucking school

moved in, down south

and I, married to a long hair

came twice yearly, for nascar

and reminiscing

and

christmas cards

late night talks

from somewhere, on winding road

i do miss that

I’ll miss that

i miss you

 

I knew you would drift from this world

pass away

without me around

i would never have been ready

you knew that

And in caring for you

i knew your pain

and long you suffered

and now your spirit is free

Linda, my family

my friend

through these tears

I’ll yet you go

until our spirits are togeher

someday

again…

 

cc Elyse Bontager

 

~ For my dear friend, and cousin, who passed away after a long illness, Monday, December 4, 2017 ~

 

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Untangling The Web

   It is nearly 4:00 am; I still can’t sleep. I decided to fill the tub, and crank up the jets. The pain of bones, and body… Its getting to me tonight. And my mind, it has not stopped processing, since returning home from Flint.

   Mind, it plays over moments, conversations, actions of self, others,… Oh what a tangled web we can weave. And winters cauldron, commences to stirring. Let it unravel, splinters, shards, blessings, betrayals… Fall where you may. One doesn’t have to like truth, but still, must embrace. Pristine the fact- truth, the necessity of survival.

   Fact is, friendship, is a far more weighty thing, than knowing of, or having known of someone. To bind in relationship with one, as friend, is committing to add them to your priorities, should need arise. Offering a modicum of thought, or concern to their travails, or success. And to know what meanings these things hold, for your friend. You are not just acquaintance; caring, perhaps, for curiosities sake, manipulative gains…? These things do not encompass the bonding of friend. Friendship holds level, of closeness with depth, but only one bond is that of friend.

   Thinking back over the months; I find it all so interesting. Looking in, now the static observer. And seeing deeply, what consciously, mind let fall to the side in its focusing. Every picturing tells a story. And spirit speaks to me. Oftentimes, looking back, one can see more clearly. Hence the adage. Hindsight is 20/20. And I, type, type, typing in the present moment, laugh. Looking through bifocals, to make clear each word. Yes, looking back, one sees many things.

   and spirit speaks to me…

   No. I cannot allow ego this moment of indulgence. Gratify self, feeling its reward. At expense to all that is other? That is not love. Love honors the spirit that is, and is in ALL living beings. I see- what was. And now, I see what is. It won´t change a thing, nor me. I will speak of, nor to anyone, differently. For that is not of love. That is not me. I WILL be the change, the intent of my being. Learn the lessons in the pain. Grow by those lessons. Give the lessons away. And when a moment meets me, again on this journey, (circles go round that way,) I´ll know a thing, or word, the way. Being in situations reminiscent, again, the change. Circles do go round that way.

Everything, if one looks, deeply, IS connected…

   and spirit spoke to me.

The Truth Laid Bare

Reality is-

I’m not that reckless girl,

running off half cocked, without a plan, on a whim and wish.

No. I have learned a lesson or two.

but…

Reality is-

I am not that younger woman that went back to school, and finished a degree, ran the house, family, errands, and the gamette-

Full tilt , and ready for anything…

Reality is-

I am aging…  piece by

piece, by peace…                                                                                                                          of mind,                                                                                                                                    now body,

alerting me LOUDLY…                                                                                                              (as pain only can,)

that I may need to rethink those decade or more old plans…??                                           Review timelines, and goals, generally reassess…

I mean…

Reality is- I’m a mess.                                                          

Sedentary and mobility are opposite in extreme,                  

and if the truth be laid bare,                             

laid out as plan and as flat as…                                                        

 … say, ME,                                                           

There is no forward movement happening here, as reality is far too entrenched.

And winter cold, dreary in haze of gray, has settled in for its lengthy stay…

finding me burrowed in, cognition blunt, all seized up.

Beyond this-

there is no reality.